Chapter 292: July 30th
KAEL
I hadn’t moved.
Not really.
I’d woken up hours ago, maybe more, but all I’d done was stare at the ceiling. My eyes burned, dry and sleep-starved, but I didn’t blink. Just laid there, jaw clenched, heart still.
It was the same every year.
July 30th.
The day everything fucking stopped.
I told myself last night, no drinking today. Not for me. For Ivan. I wouldn’t show up reeking of bourbon and regret. I wouldn’t disrespect the only person who ever loved me without wanting anything in return.
But damn, it was hard.
My fingers twitched for a glass that wasn’t there. I kept thinking about the cabinet. How easy it would be to...
Buzz.
My phone.
I glanced at it reluctantly.
Erin: Don’t forget about today 💫 I’ll pick you up if you’re too moody to drive yourself.
A faint huff escaped my throat. Not quite a laugh. Not quite anything. But I typed back anyway.
Me: That won’t be necessary.
I threw the covers off. My body ached. My back cracked. My legs felt like lead.
But I stood.
Because he deserved that much.
Not the broken version of me that had been dragging through every hour since he left. Not the shell I’d become. Today, I had to be something more. Even if I had to fake the strength.
I walked to the bathroom, splashed cold water on my face, and stared at my reflection. The bags under my eyes were a violent purple. My eyes were bloodshot. My beard was uneven.
"Fuck," I muttered, then turned the faucet off.
I remembered the way Ivan used to tease me for being too serious in the mornings. He said I scowled like an old man with tax debt.
It made me smile... just for a second. A flicker of warmth in the frostbite that lived in my chest.
But then it passed.
I moved back to the bedroom. Pulled out the one black shirt I kept pressed for this day every year. The same one I wore to his funeral.
Today I wouldn’t fall apart.
Not in front of Erin.
Not in front of him.
I finished buttoning my shirt with stiff fingers and grabbed my watch from the nightstand. My hands trembled slightly as I fastened it. Not from fear. Not even from grief.
From restraint.
Because everything in me wanted to break something. To scream. To cry. To bleed.
But I wouldn’t.
Not today.
I stepped out of my bedroom just as Niko was adjusting the cuffs of his jacket by the front door.
"Keys," I said flatly, holding out my hand.
He blinked, surprised. "I thought I was driving you."
"I know the way."
"Sir... "
"I said," I repeated, sharper now, "keys."
He looked at me for a long moment, like he was debating whether to argue, but he must’ve seen something in my face... something too far gone to challenge... because he sighed and reached into his coat.
"Alright," he muttered, tossing me the key. "Drive safe sir."
I didn’t answer him.
Didn’t need to.
I walked past him, the door clicking shut behind me with the weight of all the things I refused to say.
...
The roads were quiet. Too quiet.
I should’ve turned on the radio, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. The silence hurt, but it was the only thing that made sense right now. Like the world was holding its breath for Ivan too.
I kept my eyes on the road, tried to focus on the turns and signs. Not on the memory of Aria’s voice, or the image of her back as she walked away. Not on the way her eyes burned into mine the last time we saw each other. Not on the fact that she still hadn’t called.
Not on the ache.
I gritted my teeth.
And then I saw it.
A small corner flower shop nestled between two buildings, almost easy to miss. But I didn’t. I never did.
I pulled over and got out, pushing open the door with a soft jingle. The air inside smelled like spring and soil. Warm. Familiar. Too gentle for the person I was.
The woman behind the counter looked up and gave a kind smile. "Welcome in. Looking for anything in particular?"
"Calla lilies," I said immediately, voice low. "White. And some eucalyptus."
"For someone special?"
The only person who ever gave a damn.
"Yes." I murmured.
She said nothing. Just nodded and began arranging them in a simple wrap.
As I waited, my eyes wandered.
And then I saw it.
Tucked off to the side, a small bundle of rare pale blue hydrangeas... delicate, soft, almost icy in hue.
She’d told me once.
That they reminded her of the sky right before it rained.
I stared at them for a long moment. My throat tightened.
"I’ll take those too," I said quietly.
"Sure," the woman said, barely missing a beat.
"And..." I hesitated. "I need one more bouquet. Something... different. For a woman who’s sharp, too smart for her own good, kind but also stubborn as hell, and still somehow puts up with a cold bastard like me."
She raised an eyebrow, but she smiled. "Sounds like someone strong."
"Yeah," I admitted.
She turned and began picking through her selection. A few minutes later, she handed me a vibrant mix, golden ranunculus, snapdragons, and a single white lily in the center.
"She sounds like this kind of woman," the florist said.
I stared at it.
Nodded once.
"Wrap it," I whispered.
By the time I got back into the car, the scent of fresh flowers filled the cabin.
Ivan.
Aria.
Erin.
Three people.
Two pieces of my heart I never figured out how to protect.
And I was going to visit the one I lost first.
...
I parked a little distance from the cemetery, the slope overlooking it, surrounded by quiet trees and forgotten wind.
I sat in the car with the engine off, the flowers on the seat beside me... each one too personal, too delicate, too symbolic.
And I waited.
Erin said she’d meet me here.
It was her first time.
The first time I was bringing someone else to meet him.
I leaned my head back against the seat and closed my eyes.
And just like that, it began.
The sounds came back first... the sharp whistle of a commander, the pounding of boots in the dirt, the barked orders ringing through the freezing air. And him.
Ivan.
Younger. Dumber. Always grinning like he knew the joke before I did.
He used to trail behind me like a ghost I didn’t ask for. Would talk my ears off until one day I realized I was listening. Actually listening.
And then we rose... me to colonel, him to captain. Different uniforms. Different weights on our shoulders.
But still side by side.
Until things got...
My hands were clenched around the steering wheel before I noticed.
The afternoon sky outside had already begun to shift... sun slipping away behind a dull veil of grey.
Still no sign of Erin.
I checked my phone. Three missed calls. All to her.
A new message.
_Wait for me. I’m coming. Please.
Then another.
I stared at the screen. My jaw ached from grinding.
But I waited.
By the time I saw her headlights approaching, it was already dark. The breeze had turned sharp. I stepped out of the car and turned to watch as Erin approached nearby. Her figure walked close slowly, cradling something in her hands.
A cake.
My throat tightened.
And then I saw her face.
Eyes red. Cheeks blotched. Her makeup long wiped away by tears she hadn’t wanted to cry.
She looked... drained.