Chapter 55: Visiting the relatives(a.k.a. public humiliation)
Li Ming had just finished pretending to sleep all morning when the door slammed open.
"Li Ming! Get up!" his mother shouted.
He groaned. "I’m injured. Spiritually. Emotionally. Maybe even mortally."
"You’re perfectly fine," she said, dragging him out of bed by the ear. "We’re going to visit your uncle’s family today."
Li Ming’s eyes widened in horror. "No! Not relatives! They’re worse than tournaments!"
But there was no escape. His father shoved some buns into his pocket ("For courage," he said), and Li Mei grabbed her stick, eager to cause chaos. Together, they marched through the village.
---
The uncle’s house was bigger than Li Ming remembered. Red banners hung outside, chickens ran freely in the yard, and someone was roasting meat.
Before Li Ming could even step inside, a booming voice shook the air.
"Hoho! If it isn’t the great chicken-slaying nephew!"
Out came Uncle Li, a mountain of a man with a belly that could block sunlight. His laugh was so loud it scared away three chickens and one small child.
Li Ming forced a smile. "Hello, Uncle."
Behind him came Auntie, carrying a tray of dumplings. "Oh, look at you! So thin! Do they not feed you at the sect? Here, eat!"
Before he could answer, she shoved three dumplings straight into his mouth.
"Mmph—mmphh!" Li Ming choked.
"Eat more! You need strength!" she insisted, already reaching for another dumpling.
Li Ming’s eyes watered as he desperately chewed. This... this is worse than being beaten with a stick.
---
Then came the cousins.
The first cousin, Li Bao, strutted out holding a wooden sword. He was about Li Ming’s age, with a smug face that screamed, I’m better than you.
"So you’re the great genius I keep hearing about," Li Bao said, smirking. "Split any chickens lately?"
The second cousin, Li Hua, peeked out shyly. She was younger, but her eyes sparkled with mischief. "Big Brother Ming, is it true you once flew into the sky on a cabbage?"
Li Ming almost spat out his dumpling. "What?! Who told you that?!"
"The whole village!" she said proudly.
His soul left his body.
---
Lunch was served, and everyone gathered at a huge round table. Dishes covered every inch: roast duck, fried pork, spicy tofu, steamed buns, and more.
Li Ming’s stomach growled, but the moment he reached for food, Uncle Li boomed, "Wait! Let’s drink first!"
He slammed down a jug of wine.
"Uh... I don’t drink," Li Ming said.
"Nonsense! A real man drinks!" Uncle roared, already pouring a cup. "Here! To the chicken slayer!"
The whole family cheered and raised their cups. Li Ming hesitated, then took a sip—only to immediately spit it back out.
"Fire! My throat is on fire!" he gasped.
The cousins laughed so hard they almost fell off their chairs. Auntie patted his back like he was a toddler. "Oh dear, the sect has made you weak."
Li Ming wanted to crawl under the table.
---
Just when he thought it couldn’t get worse, Uncle Li slapped the table and said, "Bao! Show your cousin what real cultivation looks like!"
Li Bao jumped up and began swinging his wooden sword in dramatic moves. "Hyaaah! Watch the Tiger Slashes!"
The family clapped. Auntie nodded proudly. "So talented!"
Then all eyes turned to Li Ming.
"Your turn, nephew," Uncle said.
Li Ming froze. If I show them real moves, they’ll never shut up. If I show them nothing, they’ll call me weak.
He sighed. "Fine..."
He stood up, grabbed two chopsticks, and held them like swords.
Everyone leaned in.
Li Ming shouted, "Heavenly Chopstick Arts: Bun Slicing Style!"
He stabbed a bun, spun it around, and tossed it into the air. Then he jabbed again, splitting it perfectly into four steaming pieces before it hit the plate.
The room went silent.
Then Auntie gasped. "Incredible! He turned eating into cultivation!"
Uncle Li’s eyes shone. "You’re a genius! Bao, take notes!"
Li Bao’s jaw dropped. "What? That’s not even real martial arts!"
But no one listened. They were too busy praising Li Ming’s "Bun Dao."
For the first time in his life, Li Ming felt both proud... and deeply ashamed.
---
After lunch, disaster struck again.
Li Hua, the younger cousin, suddenly tugged his sleeve. "Big Brother Ming, can you help me fly?"
"What?" Li Ming blinked.
"Everyone says you can fly on cabbages. Please! I want to see it!"
Li Ming felt his soul leave his body for the second time that day. "I can’t fly on vegetables!"
But before he could escape, Li Mei jumped in, holding a cabbage she’d stolen from the kitchen. "Yes he can! Watch!"
She slammed the cabbage into his hands.
Now the entire family gathered outside, chanting, "Fly! Fly! Fly!"
Li Ming stared at the cabbage like it was his mortal enemy. "I hate this family..."
Finally, with his dignity in shreds, he placed the cabbage on the ground, stood on it, and flapped his arms like a chicken.
The family roared with laughter.
"Look! He’s flying!"
"Truly amazing!"
"Bao, why can’t you do that?"
Li Bao almost fainted from rage.
Li Ming, meanwhile, swore to himself that one day he would erase the word "cabbage" from the entire universe.
---
That night, as they left the relatives’ house, Li Ming dragged his feet like a dead man.
"Mother... please don’t make me do this ever again."
His mother smiled sweetly. "Nonsense. Tomorrow we’ll visit your aunt’s family."
Li Ming let out a silent scream into the night.
---
Bonus Bit – Uncle Li’s Bragging
The next morning, Uncle Li was seen at the village market, shouting at everyone.
"My nephew can split buns with chopsticks! My nephew can fly on cabbage! My nephew is basically an immortal!"
By the end of the day, every nearby village believed Li Ming was the legendary founder of the Cabbage Sect.
Li Ming had no idea... yet.
To be continued...