Chapter 56: Auntie’s house of doom
Li Ming woke up already dreading the day. He had barely survived yesterday’s "cabbage flying" humiliation, and now his mother was stuffing clean clothes into his bag.
"Where are we going?" he asked, voice weak like a dying old man.
"To your Aunt’s house," she said cheerfully.
Li Ming nearly fainted. "Another relative?! Didn’t we suffer enough yesterday?!"
His father patted his shoulder. "Be brave, son. This is training too."
"Training for what?"
"Embarrassment resistance."
Li Ming wanted to cry.
---
The journey wasn’t long, but by the time they reached Auntie’s house, he already felt like running away.
Auntie lived in a grand courtyard surrounded by flower gardens. It smelled nice, but Li Ming knew the danger was inside.
Sure enough, the moment the gates opened, Auntie rushed out. She was a plump woman with lightning-fast hands.
"Ohhh, my nephew!" she cried, pulling him into a suffocating hug. "You’ve grown so much! Look at those cheeks!"
Before Li Ming could protest, she grabbed his face and pinched both cheeks so hard he thought his soul would fly out.
"Mother!" he squeaked.
His mom just smiled. "She’s missed you."
Li Ming muttered, "She’s trying to kill me..."
---
Inside the house, the chaos began immediately.
Auntie’s three children, Li Shan, Li Ping, and Li Fang, surrounded Li Ming like hunters circling prey.
Li Shan, the oldest, folded his arms. "So you’re the famous cousin who split a rock with his... face."
Li Ming’s mouth twitched. "It wasn’t my face."
Li Ping, the middle child, grinned. "The one who flies on cabbage, right?"
Li Ming felt his blood pressure rise.
And the youngest, Li Fang, tilted her head. "Do you really have buns in your pocket at all times?"
Li Ming quickly shoved his hands into his robe before they could check.
"Leave him alone," Auntie scolded. Then she turned to Li Ming with a bright smile. "Show them a trick! Do something amazing!"
Li Ming froze. "I’m not a circus act!"
But the kids were already chanting, "Show us! Show us! Show us!"
---
Desperate, Li Ming thought fast. Fine. If they want a show, I’ll give them one.
He picked up a teapot from the table and held it like a sword. "Behold! The Tea Dao!"
The kids leaned in.
With a serious face, Li Ming poured tea into three cups without spilling a single drop—even while spinning the teapot around dramatically.
Then he flicked the lid with his finger, and it landed perfectly back on the pot.
The room went silent.
Then...
"Wooooow!" the kids shouted.
Auntie clapped her hands. "So graceful! Just like a true immortal!"
Li Ming smirked. Finally, some respect.
But then Li Shan whispered, "It’s still just... tea."
The respect vanished instantly.
---
Lunch was served, and Auntie piled Li Ming’s bowl so high with food it looked like a mountain.
"Eat, eat! You must be starving at the sect!"
"I—wait—this is too much—" Li Ming tried to protest, but Auntie kept adding more. Soon, his bowl looked like it could collapse under its own weight.
Li Mei giggled. "Eat fast, Big Brother. Or else it’ll get cold."
Li Ming gave her a death glare. "Traitor."
Still, he tried. He shoveled food like a desperate miner, his cheeks bulging, his eyes watery.
The cousins clapped. "Look at him! He eats like a spirit beast!"
Li Ming groaned. "I hate this family arc..."
---
After lunch, the real nightmare began.
The cousins dragged him into the courtyard. "Let’s spar!" Li Shan declared.
Li Ming waved his hands. "No! No more sparring! I fought enough chickens and relatives already!"
But Auntie beamed. "Yes! Show them your skills! It’ll be good training."
Li Ming wanted to faint.
Li Shan raised his practice spear. Li Ping grabbed a wooden sword. Even little Li Fang picked up a frying pan.
"Why does she have a frying pan?!" Li Ming yelped.
"It’s her weapon of choice," Auntie said proudly.
Li Ming sighed. I’m going to die in this courtyard.
The three cousins charged at once.
Li Ming screamed and grabbed the nearest object—a broom again.
The courtyard turned into chaos. Li Ming blocked the spear with the broom, ducked under the sword, and dodged the frying pan by jumping on the table.
"Stop trying to kill me!" he yelled.
"It’s just training!" Li Shan shouted.
"Training for what, murder?!" Li Ming shouted back.
---
Finally, in a stroke of desperation, Li Ming grabbed a plate of dumplings from the table and hurled them.
The dumplings hit all three cousins in the face at the same time.
Everyone froze.
Auntie gasped.
Then Li Fang licked the dumpling stuck to her cheek. "...Tasty."
The courtyard erupted in laughter. Even Auntie clapped.
"You’ve invented the Dumpling Style!" she declared. "Amazing!"
Li Ming collapsed on the floor, broom still in hand. "...I want to leave this family."
---
That night, as they prepared to go home, Auntie gave Li Ming a huge basket of food.
"For my talented nephew!" she said, stuffing it into his arms.
Li Ming staggered under the weight. "It’s... too much..."
"Eat well! Train hard! And next time, show us cabbage flying again!"
Li Ming almost dropped the basket. "No! Never again!"
But the cousins were already shouting behind him. "Bye, Flying Cousin!"
He walked home in silence, his soul broken.
---
Bonus Bit – Auntie’s Gossip
The next day, Auntie was at the market telling everyone:
"My nephew is a genius! He can fight with dumplings! He blocked a spear with a broom! He’s destined to be the founder of the Dumpling Sect!"
By evening, half the region believed Li Ming was building a food-based martial sect.
Li Ming, of course, had no idea.
To be continued...