Chapter 116: Deep down the rabbit hole of my own feelings and insecurities
"First that coal, then the coffee itself, now a way to sell it with sweets..." Selia shook her head. "While I’m not going to tell you not to do any of that, but..."
Selia’s face twisted, appearing somewhat troubled.
"Why do you want to do all of this? Is it something like, I don’t know, a drive to conquer, whether by sword or by money?"
Selia’s voice was far too soft for how heavy this question was.
And honestly, I didn’t really have an answer at the ready to give her. Because, when giving it a moment, I never really thought about it.
I secured the charcoal business to secure my position in the town, obtain funds and get contacts with just the right people.
Then, I’ve engaged in the whole coffee business because, contrary to charcoal, it was something I could monopolize for quite some time, giving an earning opportunity for the long term.
With the charcoal supplying my early game and the coffee in the making to be the late-stage game-changer, I only needed something to ride on between those two stages of life.
And that I could easily solve with the staple of kingdom-building isekai novels, steam engine!
With a charcoal business in my hands, once the demand would fall I should gather enough money to fund research, development and then a manufacturing plant for simple steam engines. And as soon as I ensured people were interested in them, their sales would only lead to the increased demand for charcoal.
The steam engine business could be expanded into an innumerable list of different paths, each allowing me to come up with an earthy invention, fund its development and then ride the wave until other people join in on the trend and bring down the potential profits.
And at the point where I could afford to cultivate and then sell coffee around this whole place, I would finally reach the stage where I would be too important for anyone to even dare think about hurting me and too rich to care about other problems.
’In other words, everything I’m doing, while reactionary in its nature, also combines into a mutated dream I had back on earth already.’
I breathed out a sigh after taking my sweet time to think everything through.
But now that I made the connection, everything fell into its rightful place.
Back on earth, in a civilization governed by laws, money and political power, I wanted to either make it big enough to not let others trample on me or, conversely, buy myself a piece of land out in the sticks and reach as high a degree of self-sufficiency as possible so that I could just ignore the rest of the world altogether.
I often used to laugh how I was born too late to explore the planet but too early to explore the cosmos, with my pioneerism cravings never finding a proper outlet.
But here, in this world?
To be secure no longer meant getting a house and a small farm to grow vegetables while working some dead-end online job to purchase whatever would be too much pain to grow or obtain with my own hands.
No.
In here, to be secure meant to be powerful.
And now with a huge war starting in the empire?
I could only foresee three possible outcomes.
If the war would end soon and wouldn’t be all that costly, it would only take some time before the empire would send its officials to this city again, so that they could assert their dominance and impose some taxes to recuperate the cost of the war.
On the other hand, if the war suddenly took on a devastating turn, forcing the empire to turn what should be an expedition into a proper, dedicated military campaign, then a town with a huge concentration of powerful adventurers?
This place would become a breeding ground for the army recruiters, all of which were affiliated with the military. And given my very specific connection to the palace, interacting with the imperial military was one of the very last few things I wanted to do.
Then, came the third and the last possible course of events, one that I hoped and outright prayed for with all my heart and might.
The war would continue. The heretics wouldn’t press hard enough to warrant an extreme reaction, but they would push hard enough to put the imperial forces into a stalemate.
And as much tragedy as such a scenario would invite to the lands affected by the conflict, it was also the only course of events where I would have the time to put all my ideas into motion.
Which brought me right back to the very seed question, one that I still didn’t give my answer for.
’Why am I doing all of that?’
I gulped my saliva.
Was it because of my deep, innermost desire for security, whatever it might translate to in this world?
Maybe I just wanted to be a reliable partner, providing enough to my relationship with the Saintess to never give her a reason to question it?
Or maybe I just craved growth, to watch how my assets multiplied, how my small businesses became massive empires all within their own right?
Who knew, maybe it was a mix of all of those. Or maybe it was something else entirely.
So, rather than compressing my answer into a quick, witty response, I’ve decided to elaborate on it for a bit.
"To be honest, I don’t really know myself," I admitted with a shrug of my shoulders. "Part of it surely is my desire for security. I don’t want to worry whether or not we will have food to eat or a place to hide from the elements. It’s the one thing I’ve experienced and never want to go through again, the feeling of powerlessness as you watch your world crumble around you while you have no means to change anything."
It was a feeling I believed every part-timer once had. A job that pays just well enough to cover the rent but not enough to save any real amount. Without savings, one couldn’t commit to looking for another job or raising their qualifications and were forced to instead watch how their savings whittled away as life grew more expensive, how the pay no longer could fully cover the monthly bills...
This scramble to find ways to save even the smallest amount just to make ends meet ends?
I didn’t want to go through it ever again.
No.
I wasn’t going to let myself go through it ever again. And I sure as hell wasn’t going to put Selia through that kind of experience.
"Which is why, I need money. And not money that I can hold now and then lose tomorrow, but a source of money that won’t dry out even long after I let others take care of it."
I gave the first part of my answer.
"Then, there’s my sense of inadequacy. You give me so much, and yet, all I can provide in return is what?"
I shrugged my shoulders.
"Some business ideas that can make up a fraction of the money you could earn with a single quest? Or sweets that are merely a creative combination of ingredients you can already afford?"
This had to be the most painful element of the mosaic of feelings that summed up into my constant drive to do something.
This sense of inadequacy directly translated to an innermost deep fear that once Selia shakes off whatever it is that makes her stay with me, I would be left all alone.
And if such an idea wouldn’t bother me much just a few weeks ago, now? After spending the night with Selia? After seeing how cute she could be, only to then turn her charm up and make me literally go crazy for her?
By now, she alone was too much of a loss for me to ever accept it. And that clearly forced me to keep trying to do better, never allowing myself to stop until I’ve reached the point where I could match her contribution.
Lastly, surprisingly, was my fear of this world.
Back on the jungle’s border, I saw what the lifeforms of this world could do. The fact that even Selia, with all her power, struggled a bit with some evolutions of the jungle’s guardian was enough of an example of just how powerful those could be.
And by all means, right now, this empire was already engaged in some serious civil war.
A civil war that, by all means, was the reason why I was summoned to this world in the first place, so that the empire could use me as some expendable cannon fodder.
"All in all, I just want to have the means to ensure our silent, comfortable and slightly exciting life will continue without any problem, regardless of what happens in the future," I finally revealed after taking even more time to think everything through. "As for the cafe itself?"
I chuckled to myself, as I’ve now realized a much simpler answer, one that would extend the small talk rather than pushing me down the rabbit hole of my own feelings, thoughts and insecurities.
"I just love watching you eat sweet things. You are at your most adorable when you smile from the bottom of your heart, so I figured I could very well be the one baking those sweets for you."
Once again, a chuckle escaped from my mouth.
"And to be frank, the idea of the two of us just leisurely baking cookies and brewing coffee? I find it almost too adorable and soothing to resist!"