Chapter 46: Suicide (3)
’It’s dark.’
That was the first thought that came to mind immediately after I lost consciousness.
’Why won’t they just leave me alone? Why go so far for me?’. I reflected as I stepped on the empty space.
Suddenly, a bridge appeared, creating a path in the blinding darkness I found myself in.
My legs moved on their own and trod the path unhesitatingly. My mind went blank; the loud silence deafened my ears. I wanted to scream. To let the darkness know that I was alive.
But nothing came out.
I couldn’t think. My eyes were opened, but apart from the white bridge that stretched on endlessly, nothing else could be seen. A primal fear washed over my body. I wanted to stop moving forward; I wanted to see the light once more.
The darkness I longed for wasn’t this terrifying, this unnerving. I wanted the darkness after death, not a forced emptiness like this.
A familiar loud cackle travelled in the empty space; the voices that I tried so hard to silence with death resounded so clearly in my mind that I wondered if he resided permanently there.
Despite all this, my legs kept moving forward, as if under divine command. The darkness slowly crept beyond the border of the bridge and covered my bare feet.
My thoughts finally came back to me, and they were as frantic as I expected them to be.
’Make it stop. I want this to stop. Let me go back. This isn’t the darkness I want. Go away. No, no, stay back, STAY BACK!’.
My head felt like it would explode due to the sheer anxiety I was feeling as I watched the darkness slowly cover the entirety of my being.
I couldn’t breathe. The darkness was so suffocating, so sickening, that I wanted to die even though I had a feeling that this was what death would feel like.
The eerie cackles and stretched-out manner of speech continued as the darkness got to my neck. ’Who should I blame for this, huh?! Whose fault is it that I’m going through all this?’.
The darkness consumed me whole. The bridge collapsed, my feet lost traction, and my chest tightened, but I still had my thoughts to accompany me in this hellish place.
’Surely it isn’t Laura’s fault. It was never her job to get too close. I can’t blame Kurt and Victoria either for stopping me from ending my life. I...
I couldn’t complete the last sentence of my thoughts. Not because I couldn’t think of what else to say, nor did the darkness stop me from spiraling. I just didn’t want to accept the next statement that budded in my mind.
’It’s my fault...it’s my responsibility to take care of myself...but I know that already!!’
’I’ve tried my absolute best!, I’ve worked hard, haven’t I?, It hasn’t even been up to a year that I’ve been here, and I’m already going through all of this shit!. When does it end?!!’.
I wanted to bite my lip so hard, I wanted to feel the blood spill out of my mouth and let the metallic taste assault my taste buds. To let out the frustration at the unfairness of the whole situation.
Yet, even the smallest benefits in my time of pain and desperation are withheld from me.
’Will this pain ever end?’. I asked myself as I lost the sensation of my body.
’Shouldn’t I receive some OP skills or something? I mused
’I’m in so much pain, yet not in any at all’.
The darkness was palpable; it was painful. The painless dissemination of my body was painful at the same time. The fact that I couldn’t cause myself pain, despite how much I wanted to, was painful,and the fact that I couldn’t help the circumstances I found myself in, even if I went back in the past and did everything differently, was the most painful experience of all .
Amidst my conflicting thoughts, a flash of understanding crossed my mind as I lost all sense of self.
’It isn’t death that I chase. No. It’s the silence that lies just beyond its edge..... and if this is death...then why does this silence not feel comforting at all?’.
That was the last thought I had as I felt my consciousness flicker in and out of existence. It felt like it was being locked behind a cage, but rather than being anxious or confused at what was happening, the only thing I hoped for was peace behind the cage I was being drawn into.
________
"Alright, I’m ready". Victoria said, "There isn’t anything that could disturb me while I’m unconscious right?". She inquired.
Kurt replied as he drew out a seat from beneath the desk, "I activated the spatial distortion feature of the room and although it’s at a low level, it should give the passersby a good idea of what’s happening". He explained
Victoria hummed softly and placed a kiss on her husband’s lip before walking to the middle of the modest room.
She closed her eyes and sat in a lotus position, emitting a steady golden aura.
It filled every corner of the room with every pulse it made, and the clock on the table in front of the window abruptly stopped turning, leaving the air still.
The calming ruffle of the trees near the inn came to a halt. The occasional chirps and screeches of the forest’s birds faded away as if they never existed, and the clouds paused in their positions.
Apart from the rhythmic increase and decrease of her chest, nothing else— even Kurt, showed any signs of movement.
Breathing softly, Victoria began watching the life of the man called Clark Thompson.
...
"Say, ⬛⬛⬛, why don’t we check out the store tomorrow?, my robes got all messed up during our training".
"Huh?, what do you mean I’m afraid to go out alone?, I’m definitely not afraid of that Crimson Baldies!".
"Why, you little—!"
Victoria’s heart broke as she saw Clark who always had a smile on his face, talk as if there was someone with him.
’What made him this way?, could it be some sort of trauma?, or could he be a beast tamer as Kurt said’. Victoria mused as she watched.
"Bwahaha, this game isn’t so different from the ones I played In my ⬛⬛⬛, you can’t defeat me this time!".
Victoria’s eyebrows furrowed, but she chose to continue watching before making any conclusions.
"I apologize, I didn’t know you thought of me that way, I’ll try to understand this world faster so you can leave sooner".
’Why does he look so heartbroken?’. Victoria thought as she studied Clark’s expression.
’Can this just be described as an illusion he created for himself?’. She pondered deeply.
’It seems far too...real, to be called that’.
Almost immediately, the room began to rumble. The single painting hanging behind the bed slipped off the wall with a clack, and a wooden cup tipped, spilling its brown liquid across the floor.
’What’s happening?’.
Her heart rate rose uncontrollably and despite knowing she was watching past events that could have no effect on her, fear still washed over her as she felt the overwhelming aura that filled the room.
’This can’t be—’.
The feeling of being watched coursed through her entire body, her instincts screamed to get out of the illusion but her body stuck to the floor board due to the sheer pressure that the room exuded.
’I– i have to get out of here, Clark knows more than he’s letting on and I don’t think any of us are ready to know about this’.
Clenching her eyes shut in an effort to cancel the skill, Victoria’s heart nearly left her body as a voice resonated in her mind.
"You’re not going anywhere. Not with what you’ve seen, anyway".
A mature, feminine voice spoke.
"W—who are you?". She spoke hesitantly whilst looking around the room anxiously.
’Now, now, let’s not get ahead of ourselves’.
What a familiar statement.
"You’ve been very nosy, Velris". She spoke with a sigh.
Victoria’s body shook visibly as she heard that name, "H—how do you know my real name?"
Ignoring the question, she went on, "I’ve already had to intervene once. I’m too busy with my daughter and the kingdom to entertain your curiosity, so I’ll send you off with only the memories you believe are reasonable. Clark may be seen as mad, but I warned him—it would be quite a ride if he involved himself with my daughter.
Victoria’s heart quivered as the archaic sounding voice spoke, she wanted to speak, but the tone the being ended her speech with, gave no chance for negotiations.
"Off you go, and although I cannot see that boy’s string of fate since he isn’t of this world, I can tell it isn’t going to be an easy one.
She paused for a moment before continuing, "Tell him that the burden he bears is far more daunting and pitiful than that of a mere hero, and that there is no reward or glory for the path he takes."
Without giving Victoria a chance to respond, a light gust of wind blew on her face, and she collapsed uncontrollably.
"Haaaa....haaa..haaa"
Victoria opened her eyes after a while of heavy breathing, sweat drenching her beautiful face.
"What happened?!"
Kurt rushed over and took her weak body in his large arms, his face filled with concern.
".....I—I’m fine?"
After a brief silence, she responded with what sounded more like a question than an answer.
Lifting her up and placing her on the soft bed gently, Kurt waited patiently for her to catch her breath before he asked lowly, "What did you see?".
Victoria sighed audibly before answering, "I feel like I’m forgetting something though...."
Feeling her soft hair in his hands, Kurt claimed, "It’s probably just the after effects of the skill".
Nodding with a face mixed with uncertainty, Victoria tucked her hair behind her hair ears as she spoke solemnly, "It’s just as we feared".
Kurt’s visage turned dark while clenching his fists tightly.
Holding his hands, Victoria spoke apologetically, "He’s been living in this delusion far longer than we expected".
The tension was palpable as she continued, "At first, I thought he was a battle mage and a beast tamer as well. But, as I watched more closely, I didn’t feel any aura that could have pointed to a spiritual beast of any kind".
"I— I don’t think we can help him, Kurt". Victoria finished with tears threatening to spill from her eyes.
Her body shook visibly as she constantly wiped her eyes and tried to keep her emotions in check, but her motherly instincts couldn’t be surpressed no matter how hard she tried.
Pulling her into his embrace, Kurt patted her hair gently as he soothed, "We should head back home...tell Clark—"
"Tell him what?!, that he’s mad and should leave our home?!". Victoria interrupted with a cracky voice.
’Clark....i’m sorry, kiddo’. Kurt spoke, "We could send him to the elven institute for the mentally insane and even if that doesn’t work, we could take him to the Gravesends to erase the memory completely".
Victoria shoved his arms away, her face tightening with hurt.
"You want to send him to what?!" she shouted, the words cracking in the air between them.
Sighing heavily, Kurt answered, "I don’t want to do this either but—"
"THEN DON’T DO IT!"
"There’s no other way, it has to be done!!". Kurt replied immediately as anger clouded his expression.
"You think I don’t feel anything?!, that boy was the closest thing I had to a son, dammit!, I always say Densdor was taken from me by those academy bastards, but we both know he equally wanted to go!"
"But Clark...he’s lonely...too lonely and as much as I’d like us to be there for him, this problem is beyond us". Kurt’s voice quieted and he sat next to the shaken Victoria.
Placing her head on his chest to avoid her seeing his teary face, Kurt convinced, "This is for the best and I’m sure he’d hate us for this, but we have to do what’s best for him".
A long silence ensued before a weak hum from Victoria made it’s way to Kurt’s ears.
’I’m really sorry, kid’.