“Hoo… Hoo… Hoo…”

The wind outside the window kept blowing the curtains, as if there were shadows constantly wandering outside.

Under the night sky, who was standing outside the window?

Perhaps,

most people had this kind of speculation when they were young, and had similar doubts.

Zhu Shengnan lay on the bed with her eyes open.

She had her own independent room,

her own big bed,

her own wardrobe,

her own dressing table,

she had,

a family with very good conditions.

In China, if you were to do a statistic of women named Shengnan, the number would be surprisingly large.

The parents themselves might not feel anything,

but this name itself carries a kind of repression, even the owner of this name will subconsciously loathe her own name.

As if her birth, as if her gender,

for her parents’ family,

was a kind of helplessness,

a sigh of resignation,

wanting a son,

but giving birth to a daughter,

under great helplessness, giving the name "Shengnan,"

is a kind of "self-deception" for parents.

Humans, because of the construction of ethics and morality, are able to distinguish themselves from animals, and gradually break away from the sequence of all things;

but everything has two sides, and the distortion of ethics and morality often becomes a side effect, and begins to harm human beings themselves.

It was five o'clock in the morning,

Zhu Shengnan woke up early,

but didn't know what to do.

She was six years old this year, originally the age to go to kindergarten, but her family did not let her go to kindergarten, but hired a private tutor to teach her at home.

She didn't resist, and didn't know how to resist.

Unable to sleep, and the sky was not yet bright,

she wouldn't make noise or fuss,

she had a home,

but the light of this home was a little dim.

She didn't know what she could do at this point,

watch TV?

Read comics?

Go to her parents' room and snuggle in their blankets?

She just leaned against the head of the bed, sat, and kept sitting.

Sat until the sky began to brighten.

Footsteps came from downstairs, it should be her grandmother getting up and preparing breakfast for the family.

She also got up,

got dressed,

washed up,

and after tidying herself up properly,

slowly walked downstairs.

"Shengnan, come, eat."

"Okay, Grandma."

Shengnan didn't sit down at the dining table,

but stood at the entrance of the small room in the corner of the living room.

Grandma came up with a tray, on which were porridge and bowls and chopsticks.

The so-called eating,

was not calling her granddaughter to eat breakfast together,

whether people eat or not doesn't matter, whether people are hungry or not doesn't matter,

the Bodhisattva must not be shortchanged.

Grandma carefully put the sacrificial food on it, arranged it, and then knelt on the futon in front, kowtowing piously.

In Zhu Shengnan's memory, her grandmother did not believe in Buddhism, she didn't know when she started to believe.

After kneeling down,

Grandma stood up and reached out to grab Zhu Shengnan's wrist.

The needle was taken out by Grandma, and she pierced it into Zhu Shengnan's arm, drawing half a tube of blood.

Immediately afterwards, Grandma injected her granddaughter's blood into the wick.

Zhu Shengnan didn't know where Grandma learned this method from, but she liked it very much, because compared to drawing blood, some other methods would make her feel more uncomfortable.

Grandma knelt down again, she began to kneel and worship again, but this time, she was kneeling and worshiping the painting under the offering table.

In the painting,

were two ghost messengers, and in front was a boy.

Grandma muttered prayers in her mouth, extremely devout.

Zhu Shengnan looked at the painting, she had seen this painting countless times.

Many days and nights, Grandma would hold a whip, or Dad would hold a cigarette butt, or simply let herself hit herself,

right in front of this painting,

the meaning was to let the two ghost messengers in this painting see.

Saying,

as long as she did this,

Dad would be able to have a son.

Yes,

Dad wanted a son,

Grandma also wanted a grandson.

They wanted the kind of boy in the painting,

the construction below, was different from her own.

Zhu Shengnan knew clearly that she was completely a superfluous character in this family, superfluous from the moment she was born until now.

She forgot whether she had ever cried,

and blurred whether she had ever made a fuss,

if this was a besieged city,

then it simply had no door for you to enter or exit.

People outside the city couldn't see inside,

people inside the city couldn't go outside either.

People cannot decide which family they are born into, and once they are born, you have no choice.

The Bodhisattva finished eating,

it was time for people to eat.

Zhu Shengnan sat down at the dining table, and Grandma served her porridge.

On the table, there were also small steamed buns and pickles, and there would be no shortage of things like eggs and milk.

Except in that small room,

Grandma was very good to her,

cared about her eating,

cared about her clothes,

cared for her very much,

was very considerate to her,

as if she was carefully taking care of her precious darling,

Zhu Shengnan remembered,

Grandma used to be a pig farmer by profession, which is how she supported Dad to go to college and get a job.

Dad came down, he sat at the table, smiled at Zhu Shengnan, and then asked:

"Did the Bodhisattva eat?"

"Eaten." Grandma replied.

"Yeah."

Dad ate a little casually, then got up to go to work, before leaving, he specifically said: "I won't be back tonight."

"Yeah, don't come back."

Zhu Shengnan knew that Dad was going to stay with other women tonight.

This matter,

Grandma also knew.

He wanted a son,

she wanted a grandson,

the mother and son, their goals were the same.

Mom gave birth to herself in the first pregnancy,

and then, in three consecutive B-scans, the babies were all girls, so they were all aborted.

In fact, a long time ago, the country stipulated that doctors are not allowed to reveal the gender of the baby during B-scans.

But the regulations are always good, and the original intention is always good,

however,

the people who implement the regulations are not machines, but people.

Even if the regulations are like this, the number of examples of people who learn that their wives are pregnant with daughters and plan to have abortions every year is definitely countless.

This perhaps,

is also a kind of luck.

Those baby girls, if they are born into a family that would have an abortion if they knew they were girls, in fact, it is really better to leave early and wait for the next reincarnation.

Ending decisively at the beginning, compared to the treatment and injustice they would suffer after birth, it doesn't seem like a bad thing.

But Zhu Shengnan knew,

Dad had many women outside,

several women were pregnant,

but they were still girls, and they were all aborted.

Dad was a dentist,

him letting his women have abortions, was as quick and neat as him pulling teeth for patients.

Without a son, giving birth to more daughters, for the two of them, mother and son, was meaningless.

This is an obsession,

an obsession that is very bizarre in the eyes of outsiders.

After Dad left, Mom came down.

Mom's hair was a little messy,

her spirit wasn't very good.

Zhu Shengnan was a little afraid of her mother,

especially when she and her mother were sitting at the same table.

"Pa!"

"It's so hot!"

Mom burned her mouth with the porridge,

and knocked over the porridge bowl, the scalding hot meat porridge spilled on Zhu Shengnan's body.

Zhu Shengnan's body trembled slightly, she didn't cry out in pain, and didn't even pay attention to it.

Mom did it on purpose,

she knew,

Mom didn't like her, hated her.

She felt that the culprit that caused her family to be like this now was Zhu Shengnan.

If she was a boy, Mom would still have a happy family.

"This jinx, I get angry just looking at her!"

Mom picked up the chopsticks and whipped them at Zhu Shengnan.

Zhu Shengnan just sat there, unmoving, letting her whip.

Whip away,

although the chopsticks hurt when they hit her body,

but compared to using cigarette butts, scissors, or knives to scrape her body,

it wasn't much.

Grandma just sat there, quietly chewing the steamed bun in her mouth,

at this time, Grandma

was like Grandmother Jia in *Dream of the Red Chamber*,

high above, watching the fighting below.

Breakfast was over,

Mom went upstairs again, three consecutive miscarriages made her unable to continue to conceive, and also caused great damage to her spirit, she locked herself at home all day.

And she herself also knew,

her husband,

was still for a boy,

outside,

on other women's bodies,

working diligently.

People often feel that it is absurd when watching TV series, and always feel that this kind of thing cannot happen in reality.

But in fact,

the stories that happen in reality are often more like TV series than TV series.

Many of the lower limits of human beings are more terrifying than the madness of artists.

The private tutor came,

daytime,

was for lessons.

When it got to night,

the private tutor left,

Grandma called her:

"It's time for dinner."

Zhu Shengnan came down, she stood obediently at the entrance of the small room.

Grandma opened the door and walked in with her.

A blade appeared in Grandma's hand,

she took off her clothes.

Another wound appeared on her body, and fresh blood began to flow out.

Grandma knelt on the ground and started crying, hugging her and crying.

"My poor granddaughter,

God, please open your eyes,

my poor granddaughter,

my precious darling…"

Grandma often cried,

she felt that crying could move the Bodhisattva and move the two people in the painting.

It was like crying at a funeral in the countryside, the sisters-in-law who were still talking and laughing happily just now would go inside and immediately be able to cry out with a "earth-shattering" sound, and Grandma also inherited this skill.

She said that the Bodhisattva has a lot to do, if you don't shout a little louder, she can't hear clearly.

If she can't hear clearly, she won't pay attention to you.

Zhu Shengnan looked at her grandmother kneeling on the ground hugging her,

and looked at the front again.

Suddenly,

she saw the two people in the painting, as if they moved a little, yes, they moved a little.

One of them seemed to be smiling at her.

She immediately shouted:

"Grandma, the people in the painting are moving."

She was happy,

even ecstatic.

Perhaps,

when Dad and Grandma's matter is done,

she would be able to break away from this numb life, right?

The most difficult thing to extinguish and the most difficult thing to kill is often fantasy.

"Pa!"

Grandma slapped Zhu Shengnan in the face,

scolding:

"Dead child, who are you trying to fool, talking nonsense!"