Chapter 1 The Beginning

"Serve your parents with filial piety, and treat those below you with kindness. Be gentle, compliant, upright, and obedient. Be respectful, frugal, humble, and decorous. Be neither excessive nor arrogant, and avoid bias and deceit. Take these ancient teachings as your guide and adhere to them diligently."

"Though I am not talented, I dare not fail to respectfully obey."

These were the final words spoken by the Imperial Examination Official to Foyou, according to ritual, on the day of her *ji ji* (coming-of-age ceremony). After the ceremony, the Two Imperial Concubines offered congratulations, followed by thanks from the Mistress of Ceremony and the Assistant Mistress of Ceremony. Then, the Director of Affairs and the assembled inner officials offered congratulations, followed by the remaining ranks, all according to established custom. The auspicious ceremony for the Zhao Emperor's eldest daughter's *ji ji* lasted an entire day.

Foyou knew that her father did not truly enjoy these elaborate rituals. When the reclusive Grand Mother (Empress Dowager Zheng) specially mentioned it to her father, she and her younger sister, Shenyou, sat quietly beside them, amusing themselves with parrots and sparrows. During a break, she stole a glance and saw her father frowning unconsciously.

The *fumu* (female tutor) said that the *ji ji* was one of the most important moments in a young lady's life.

So she abandoned those little creatures that lacked human understanding, lifted her skirt, walked to her father's side, and looked up to ask, "Father, will you come to my *ji ji*?"

Her father chuckled and hugged her, saying, "How could I not come?"

—That was a promise, Foyou thought.

Later, Foyou went through the ceremony of Imperial Appointment and the ceremony of Imperial Marriage. When she recalled this scene, she slowly realized that even if she hadn't asked, her father would have held the *ji ji* ceremony for her. Even if he hadn't, it would have been because her father felt it was an unnecessary formality, not because he didn't love her.

But fifteen-year-old Foyou had never been sure. She seemed to live in constant fear and unease, from childhood to adulthood, from north to south.

When the people of the palace mentioned the three leading princesses, they would say that the eldest princess was elegant and dignified, the second princess was reserved and gentle, and the youngest princess was pure, harmonious, and bright. Foyou wrote these twelve words on paper, and when the large characters met her eyes, she felt they were clearly saying that she was dignified, Shenyou was weak, and Yiyou was innocent and lively.

Foyou was very satisfied.

She was actually precocious. When she was first brought back at the age of five, she overheard the older palace servants gossiping, saying that the two princesses had suffered, but they would probably forget about it in the future, since they were still young.

Foyou held Shenyou and silently pretended to be asleep, thinking: How could they not remember? Even Shenyou remembered.

She didn't remember the days in the Prince's mansion, that was true. In her memory, there were only the thin, strong hands of Great Madam, the hoarse, gentle comforting words of Jiang Madam, and the desperate, sorrowful expressions of her elder sisters and aunts. She and Shenyou watched the men with tangled beards and long hair come and go with the clear, yet desolate, eyes of children, listening to the sharp cries and curses. Gradually, they grew weak, obediently weeping, until they could no longer make a sound.

Foyou didn't really know what they were doing, she just felt fear and terror. At that time, her eldest sister was with her, crying along with her, tightly hugging her and Shenyou, and muttering "no," "no."

She didn't know what her eldest sister didn't want, nor did she know if her eldest sister was afraid like her, or afraid that she was afraid. Later, her eldest sister just cried, but no tears came out. Foyou hesitated for a long time and whispered to her eldest sister, "It's okay, Foyou isn't afraid."

Tears came out of her eldest sister's eyes again, and she pressed her face against her own, sadly teaching her: "This is wrong... Foyou! You should be afraid!"

The eldest sister, who taught her to be afraid, finally made her truly afraid that night.

Those men broke into the laundry yard, but they unusually didn't look for anyone else, and directly asked people to point them out. The eldest sister was pinned down by the men, crying and screaming, and Great Madam shouted hoarsely from the side: "She's only eight years old! Eight..."

What was the use? Great Madam was staggered by a blow, and then another man pressed down on her. Those men must have been very heavy, heavy enough that Great Madam couldn't bear it, and she stabbed a shard of broken pottery into the man's throat. So the yard became a mess, and Great Madam, Jiang Madam, and the others one by one became as still as that man. Then, the elder sisters and brothers also became still.

When the man pointed his blood-soaked knife at the youngest Foyou and Shenyou, he was finally stopped by someone. In a daze, she heard someone say, "Only two little princesses left?"

Foyou slowly shifted her gaze to Shenyou. Her younger sister's eyes were blank, her face covered in a terrified daze.

Her younger sister seemed to have lost her soul from fright.

They lived better than before.

She and her sister were moved into a separate small courtyard, and soon two more older sisters moved in, said to be palace servants who came specifically to serve them.

Foyou quickly accepted these facts, and also accepted that people would come to this small courtyard from time to time to take a look at her and Shenyou, and curse them. Once, a man called "Fourth Prince" happened to run into a man cursing them, and scolded him. From then on, the small courtyard became much quieter. As he was leaving, the Fourth Prince shook his head and looked at her, sighing, "Your father..."

He didn't finish his sentence, but Foyou wasn't curious. She just lowered her head and thought that the robe he was wearing looked really nice and must be very warm.

But the two palace servants who called her and Shenyou "Your Highness" clearly felt that the words "your father" were extremely important, so they would often tell her that her father was the Emperor of the South, that he had defeated the Jin, and that he would bring them home.

Foyou didn't care about these things, she just listened, remembered, and then gave a smile. She knew the palace servants liked this. As soon as they saw this smile, they would affectionately stroke her braids and embrace her, like her elder sisters and Great Madam used to do. Until one time, the palace servant said that they were able to live in this courtyard because of her father.

Then her father was really amazing, Foyou responded to the palace servant for the first time. Shenyou next to her lowered her head blankly.

The palace servant smiled and then sighed.

Her father was indeed amazing.

Foyou quickly understood this fact. After she and Shenyou were sent back to Dongjing, they adapted as quickly as ever. At first, they lived in a large mansion, and soon they lived with Consort Pan. But she quickly realized who was the true master.

The *fumu* began to teach her etiquette, poetry, and books, and the palace servants told her stories of her father's wisdom and martial prowess. Foyou gradually understood that her father was the Emperor, the Son of Heaven who had saved her and her sister, and billions of people. She always felt like something was wrong, but she didn't know if she should question it. She looked at Shenyou's timid and reserved expression and slowly stopped dwelling on the matter of questioning.

—Some people said her father didn't like them.

Rumors could never be stopped. The Emperor didn't like her and Shenyou, the Emperor resented the fathers, brothers, wives, and concubines who returned from the north, the Emperor... In any case, the rumors were always directly or indirectly related to her father.

Foyou sometimes wondered if it was true.

When her younger sister Yiyou was born, her father was so happy that people said the name itself was a symbol of the Emperor's favor. As for Foyou and Shenyou? Who didn't know that the current Zhao Emperor had the least respect for these gods and Buddhas, and that he had scraped off so much gold powder to pay for military expenses.

Before her younger sister Yiyou was born, there was the matter of "entrusting orphans at Yiyou Gate," and there was the "Battle of Yaoshan." When she was born, there was a general amnesty for the world. As for Foyou and Shenyou? When they returned, the Emperor couldn't even bear to see them and entrusted them to the residence of the Wu State Duke. Their arrival symbolized the shame of Jingkang, and was mixed with the sorrow of almost an entire family's death.

Foyou had always been immersed in unease. At first, she was afraid that this "father" would be as fierce as those men she had seen, but later she understood that she was afraid that her father would really dislike them. Later, Yiyou was born, and she knew that her worries had come true, and had also been proven false—

Her father truly loved Yiyou, but he was also very good to her and Shenyou. He would patiently and gently coax Shenyou, allowing her to gradually forget the terrifying memories imprinted in her mind. He would remember that she loved to read, and never minded whether she was reading *Zhenguan Zhengyao* (Essentials of Governance in the Zhenguan Era) or romantic legends.

Foyou often wondered, her father loved Yiyou, so what did her father feel for her and Shenyou? She didn't think it was love. Later, she understood it was pity. Foyou didn't understand this emotion at first, but that didn't stop her from taking advantage of her father's pity, and probing little by little.

She liked to hold Shenyou and pester her father. She was afraid that her father would abandon them again—this "again" was due to her vague memories from when she was very young, the years of wandering in the Northern Kingdom, or the contrast with Yiyou, perhaps all of them combined. Foyou almost subconsciously made her father notice their existence, but she also had to admit that being with her father was always more pleasant than being with Consorts Pan and Wu.

Her father took them out of the palace to find food, following the *Dongjing Meng Hua Lu* (The Eastern Capital: A Dream of Splendor) presented by Zhao Xiangong. Along the way, Foyou asked questions in a soft voice. Sometimes her father couldn't answer, so he would turn to look at Yang Tongzhi. People said the Emperor was enlightened, but every time she felt that Yang Tongzhi seemed to know more than her father. When she looked over with bright eyes, Yang Tongzhi would step back behind her father without a trace.

Her father also took her and Shenyou and Yiyou to see gunpowder. With a loud bang, Yiyou cried incessantly, and Shenyou was terrified. But Foyou opened her eyes wide, her attention drifting towards her father. She felt that her father had a hidden and unspoken pride in this, so after returning, she tugged on her father's sleeve and asked why it was so loud. Her father was indeed very interested and talked endlessly. Foyou understood little of it, and later became even more confused, but she still skillfully said "Ah!" "Oh!" "Is that so!", sometimes she would inadvertently glance to the side and always notice Consort Wu holding a book, her face full of hesitation.

But life was not always pleasant.

After her father designated Yingxiang—that is, Yue Yun—as a *fuma* (imperial son-in-law), Duke Yue led the "Serve the Country with Utmost Loyalty" banner, riding a horse through the Imperial Palace, out of Xuande Tower, and back across the Imperial Street. That day, everyone in the Imperial Palace knew about these things. The palace servants congratulated her with kind jokes, and she had been taught by the *fumu* for several years, and had read some books, so she knew what it meant. So she nodded gently and smiled with elegance and dignity, but her heart was filled with panic and helplessness.

Was her father tired of her? Why did he decide on her "destination" so early? Would this Yue Yun be very fierce? She had heard that ambitious people were unwilling to be imperial sons-in-law, so was he an incompetent idler, or would he resent her?

—Most importantly, would he treat her the way those men treated Great Madam and her elder sisters and aunts?

Foyou didn't ask. At the age of seven or eight, she didn't even reveal a hint of fear or panic, because this was her father's decision, and her father was the Emperor who had saved her. She was the eldest sister and had to be the eldest daughter of her father who best fit the standards of a princess. But soon, another matter of concern came to Foyou, and she immediately couldn't care about this one.

Loss of chastity.

People had always talked about this. Those who should have died, didn't. They were captured and brought back, and people grumbled about them. Only she and Shenyou were one or two years old when they left, and only five years old when they returned. Their birth mothers, Great Madam and Jiang Madam, had both died in the north, so no one dared to grumble about the Emperor's daughters.

But this time, Foyou heard people say that her father was dissatisfied.

The two Emperors had brought the world to this state, yet they could still be respectfully treated as paragons of virtue. The aristocratic families had stayed in the Jin Kingdom for only half a year as guests and were considered loyal patriots. The concubines and princesses wore silk and ate delicacies, and even if they were captured, they could at least barely survive, and after returning, they had delicious food, drinks, and large houses, with all the servants they needed.

What about those common people? The men were killed, the women were humiliated, and countless carefree children became beggars after losing their parents, countless women who had lost their entire families became prostitutes, and countless white-haired people watched their descendants die before their eyes... Why? Was the Emperor the Emperor of only the Zhao family's hundred or so people? Was he the Emperor of the imperial clan, the aristocratic families, and the famous families? The Shaoxing Restoration was the Emperor of the common people!

What was there to lament about for those concubines who had returned south, crying endlessly? What right did she, Foyou, and Shenyou have to be pitied, having watched their mothers and sisters being humiliated?

Foyou didn't know, and Foyou finally couldn't bear it anymore. Ignoring the palace servants' obstruction, she sternly ordered Feng Ergou to take her to the place where her father was shooting arrows. She cried non-stop in front of her bewildered father, and said "sorry" intermittently.

—Sorry, should I have died in the north long ago?

The emotions in her words were seven parts true and three parts false. Her fear was real, and her hatred was also real.

Foyou realized for the first time that she could really hate. She asked her father in front of the assembled guards and the close officials who hadn't had time to leave, what was right? Would it be good if the three- or four-year-old, seven- or eight-year-old descendants of the dragon and phoenix committed suicide? Would it have been perfect if Great Madam and Jiang Madam had committed suicide from the start? Did the thousands of women raised as canaries in the harems of the two Emperors and princes have to be both gentle and charming, and also work hard for the country while eating simple meals in order to be sympathized with? How tragic did one have to be to be pitied without reservation?

Her father was furious, and later, Lan Daguan reorganized the palace servants, and Yang Tongzhi investigated the rumors.

Foyou finally asked her father: "Will you not want me and Second Sister anymore?"

Her father bent down, touched her hair, and sighed softly, saying, "How could I not want you?"

In that instant, she thought of her eldest sister, who was so sad and sorrowful, and tears fell silently but torrentially.

From then on, Foyou became more and more like the beautiful words in the books of female virtue. She and Shenyou were both able to sensitively understand other people's emotions, but Shenyou just cautiously restrained herself and avoided them, while she tentatively tried to use them. She liked Grand Mother and Consort Wu more, but she was also gradually able to listen to Consorts Wei and Pan gossiping for an entire afternoon, as if she was very interested.

Then, she also saw the legendary Yue Yun.

The imperial consorts and female tutors in the palace mostly disagreed, and the guards and close officials also had hesitant expressions, but her father said it was fine, so Foyou spent an afternoon with Yue Yun. She had asked her father, and her father hesitated for a long time before saying that he was reliable and skilled in martial arts.

But after Foyou met him, she felt that he was a bit simple-minded.

Meeting Yue Yun once was not easy, as his father was away fighting in the army all year round. The first time she met Yue Yun was during the New Year, and Foyou was already more than seven or eight years old.

Foyou was actually a little uneasy, so she specially went to the pavilion where her father often stayed to wait for him. Her father didn't forbid them from going anywhere, so the pavilion was the place Foyou wanted to come to most. Countless times she had secretly circled around nearby, watching her father talk and work with the officials from afar.

This man named Yue Yun was not as tall as Foyou had imagined. Foyou had actually seen those famous commanders, although she couldn't tell which one had been given the "Serve the Country with Utmost Loyalty" banner by her father, nor could she find the youngest one as Consort Pan had said—they all looked so powerful and imposing. Yue Yun was just slightly shorter, generally strong, and generally tanned.

Compared to the sons and nephews of Consort Wu's family, he did lack the handsome and dashing looks that made girls' hearts flutter, but Foyou didn't care.

This was the one her father had chosen.

Foyou watched him more nervous than she was, lowering his head, as if the face of his future wife was growing on the ground. She smiled, softly asked him to take a seat, offered him tea, and subtly led him to talk. Foyou didn't know if this Yue Xiaodu (Junior Commandant) was too simple-minded, or if he was afraid that her father was the Zhao Emperor. For the first time, she felt like she understood the feeling of her father sitting here.

...But it seemed like something was different.

Actually, they didn't talk for very long. As she was about to leave, Foyou gracefully returned the greeting, watching Yue Yun's tanned face actually blush slightly. How rare, she watched Yue Yun's back as he left and asked the most upright and dull little palace servant next to her if her face was red. The palace servant replied blankly: "No."

Suddenly, her heart skipped a beat. All those romantic legends, poems, and songs said that charming little ladies would blush whenever they saw a gentleman. But no matter what she did, she couldn't force her face to blush? Was she still the eldest princess who lived up to expectations?

But, the future imperial son-in-law was not a handsome and dashing jade-like man either.

"He's like a silly goose," Foyou said to her father, who was full of interest, "but he's so dark and strong."

"Do you like him?"

Foyou thought, liking someone meant "standing in the middle of the night for whose sake in the wind and dew," but she was still concerned about her father's love, Shenyou's emotions, and she still remembered the *Han Shu* (Book of Han) that she hadn't finished reading, and the *Journey to the West* that she hadn't finished listening to... There were so many things worth her "standing in the middle of the night"!

So she chose the safest answer, she said sweetly: "I like Father."

Her father showed that familiar complex expression again, completely different from his pure joy towards Yiyou, but it was generally good.

Foyou now rarely felt any resistance towards Yiyou. She had found a good position for herself: the eldest sister. So she wouldn't be as fragile as Shenyou, who was still afraid of strange eunuchs approaching her because of past nightmares, nor would she cause as much worry as Yiyou, who was constantly being coaxed by the *fumu* and imperial consorts with helpless voices. She would gently accompany her ignorant younger brothers, comfort Yiyou and Shenyou, and she would even tactfully remind Consort Pan not to be foolish when she could no longer bear it.

But how should she treat the "imperial son-in-law"? Everyone said that the one who was granted "Serve the Country with Utmost Loyalty" was the one her father trusted and favored the most, the commander who whipped the Jin. Foyou thought, then her father probably also hoped that she and this imperial son-in-law would get along well.

She read poetry and lyrics. Yan Xiang's lyrics wrote "I want to send colored paper and a letter," and she also wanted to write a letter, many people sent "letters" to her father. Foyou asked Consorts Pan and Wu, and the consorts were all shocked, so she boldly asked her father, and her father agreed.

Her father was still the best, Foyou thought as she picked up her brush. She didn't actually have much to say. She pondered for a long time, and only briefly talked about the excitement her father had taken her and her sisters to see outside the palace. Then she asked Yue Yun to tell her about the war and his recent interesting events. The first reply was sent with his father's secret message. Foyou read it and showed it to her father, who commented with interest: "It's like his father's secret message."

Gradually, Yue Yun seemed to have opened up as well, and he talked about more and more things, more and more trivial things. Sometimes Foyou couldn't help but be a little surprised, and a little skeptical—was it really like that, or was he just exaggerating to deceive her? But it didn't matter, at most, the simple-minded silly goose would have his father's scolding instead of a beating. She would know by asking her father about this, so she pretended not to know in her reply.

Foyou knew that Yue Yun wanted to go to the battlefield the most, like his father, and be able to return through the Imperial Palace and across the Imperial Street with a large banner.

She didn't have the mood of "Pitiful are the unburied bones by the river's edge, Still are they the people in the spring boudoir's dreams," nor was it possible for her to "Regret teaching my husband to seek nobility." Foyou had seen too many skeletons and witnessed too many deaths. Shenyou turned her nightmares into years of restraint and sensitivity, while she turned her nightmares into hatred, carving them into her bones stroke by stroke. Great Madam, Jiang Madam, Eldest Sister... each one was a stroke of blood on her bones.

In the autumn of the ninth year of Jianyan, the time was one of yin and solemnity was in the heart. Her father left the capital again for a personal expedition, and Yue Yun wrote that he would also follow his father to join the army to kill the Jin.

Foyou replied, "Great good."

Dongjing soon became cold, and news from afar was chaotically transmitted into the palace. Grand Mother and the imperial consorts wouldn't allow them to go out of the palace to play anymore. If they couldn't go, then so be it. Foyou read the Annals of Emperor Guangwu and the Biography of Guo Ziyi to Shenyou. Shenyou always held her hand warmer and slowly fell asleep peacefully with her voice. Then Foyou would ask the palace servant to take the candle to the table, and she would read until late at night, then pick out what she didn't understand and write a letter to ask her father, and ask Yue Yun again.

The war was too busy, and the replies were not frequent. The first letter was still in the late autumn, when the frost was heavy, and the second letter was already past the New Year. It was the first time Foyou received such a long letter. Yue Yun told her how he killed the enemy, and how when he followed Zhang Tongzhi to hand over the troops to Da Mashao, the Jin soldiers blocked his way... Finally, he described in detail to her the divine power of a city being overturned like thunder, Yue Yun wrote on the paper, they killed many Jin people and also captured the families of the Jin officials.

Foyou couldn't remember how she replied later, but she remembered that when she finished writing, she suddenly realized that her eyes were so sore that she couldn't open them. She talked about the thin Great Madam, the gentle Jiang Madam, those elder sisters and aunts who died in despair, the scenes of corpses piled up along the road during the journey, and those fierce and beastly Jin men. She didn't know how much she had described, but the reply she received was very short.

Yue Yun said, "I will help you take revenge, and return straight to Yanjing."

There was no condescending inquiry about the situation of the noble lady in the north, no superficial sympathy to comfort her, this suffering "weak woman," and no mutual pity and sorrow like the noble ladies who returned south. Foyou felt relieved. She wanted to cry and laugh at the letter, and finally, she found that she couldn't shed any tears, but it wasn't grief and despair.

After years of fear and wandering, Foyou finally felt at ease and happy. Finally, someone regarded those things as the blood feud that should be avenged, finally, someone could let her say the terrifying days and nights in her memory, and didn't have to worry about being resented, pitied, or letting Great Madam and Eldest Sister be speculated with dirty and filthy thoughts. Those who caused Great Madam's death could finally taste the fear and despair of the past. Finally, someone could take her place and set foot on the old land of the Northern Kingdom again, as the conquering force of the King's army.

She finally dared to tell Great Madam happily in her dream: "Father has come to take revenge, and Foyou also has a good man."

All of this is the past, the year has begun again, and I am reborn.