Mornings, my hair would be tangled again.
Since I was born, my hair had never been cut short, and now it was almost long enough to reach my waist.
Tied with a ribbon and dressed in a frilly dress, I looked like a doll in the mirror, incredibly cute.
To be dramatic, I woke myself up with my own beauty every day. (Laughs)
The reason for my hair tangling, I figured, was due to its soft texture and extreme length. While long hair looked beautiful, cutting it to just past my shoulders would be much more convenient without significantly affecting its aesthetic appeal.
"No, Mel, you can't think that way!" Kikyo vehemently opposed. "You're most beautiful like this! You are my only daughter, you cannot waste your talent!"
In the end, she prepared several more frilly dresses for me, each with more ruffles and bows than the last, as if dressing a doll, right?
Yes, as a mute, I was destined not to become a killer in the conventional sense, so as compensation, being her doll was only natural.
...A doll.
Kikyo reminded me of my mother in the "real world." After her divorce, she raised me alone, enduring countless hardships and labor. When she was in a bad mood, she would often take it out on me, and when she was in a good mood, she would dote on me. She eagerly wished for me to mature quickly, making it her life's goal, her ultimate compensation from life. If she said go east, I couldn't go west.
The love and harm she gave me were often equal, so I always felt conflicted.
As a result, I became neither the person she wanted me to be nor the person I wanted to be.
I'm sorry, in the end, I ran away alone. I am a despicable person.
Today was Illumi's third birthday. Age differences meant our lessons weren't the same, and we didn't attend classes together. I had no idea about his progress or what kind of "orthodox" curriculum he was receiving.
He wasn't foolish, despite his young age; he could sense my deliberate attempts to distance myself from him. In fact, children are often more perceptive than adults in certain aspects.
He gradually stopped following me around. Perhaps it was a lingering effect of imitating a "speech impaired person," or perhaps seeing my precedent of "living freely despite being unable to speak," he also grew accustomed to presenting himself in silence, only speaking when necessary.
I remember the last time Illumi spoke to me; it was because he was curious about the chocolate in my hand.
It seemed that very young children were not allowed to eat chocolate, and I wasn't sure if this chocolate was as poisonous as the cookies. If he ingested too much poison and died, how would I explain it to the Zoldyck family?
The eldest son of a family of assassins dying from poison would surely affect your family's reputation.
So, I refused him again, for his own good and for mine.
His eyes were cat-like, with pure black pupils devoid of any other color. I thought he seemed a little resentful of me then, but I hoped I was overthinking it.
"...Too quiet."
Once, I overheard a caregiver sigh softly. His voice was indeed very soft; my current body's hardware was good, and my hearing was excellent, which is why I heard it.
Yes, with two children around the age of three or four, it should have been a very lively scene, but it was unnervingly quiet. This was a very abnormal phenomenon.
Distracted, I made a mistake in my kindergarten-level arithmetic, mistaking a 3 for an 8, getting one question wrong.
Not counting the questions I intentionally got wrong to avoid drawing attention by not getting a perfect score, I actually messed up kindergarten math. What a disgrace for an adult.
"..." If this continues, I'll be noticed for being too笨拙.
The curriculum I received was adjusted in stages based on the results I provided. By today, the easiest lessons had all been phased out. I estimated I was likely taking elementary school courses, needing to learn to read passages over a hundred characters long, as well as multiplication and division, and a second language, which was English in the "real world."
Oh, arriving in another world and still having to retake English proficiency tests, this experience was too real.
After my daily lessons, the caregiver would usually take me to dinner. However, the route this time was a little different. Although I did see Kikyo at the destination as usual.
At this time, she would usually be with Illumi, then me, and the other family members at home for dinner.
It was very rare for her to be alone.
Based on my surroundings, I had a rough idea of what was about to happen, but I still felt nervous. "..."
"Mel, from today onwards, Mom will be in charge of your 'specialized curriculum'," Kikyo said with unprecedented gentleness as she fastened the restraint straps on my chair. "It will hurt a little later, but you'll get used to it soon because you're my child. Mom knows you best."
No, I'm not actually your child.
"If you do well, you can tell Mom anything you want as a reward," Kikyo said, lovingly arranging my hair and kissing my forehead. "Mors, remember, Mom loves you."
...Love.
Love is not sweet candy; it has not only soft lips but also hard teeth. Love always brings equal amounts of pain, gnawing at my heart.
["Why are you crying?! I'm the one who wants to cry the most!!!!"]
I remembered I couldn't answer anything and could only remain silent. I endured until it was time to sleep, then curled up under the covers and cried silently.
Sometimes I would gently pat my shoulder and tell myself, "It's okay."
It's okay; her emotions are unpredictable. Today she might be angry, and tomorrow she might love you.
Yes, her love is undeniable. She never lets you go hungry or cold. She gives you the best she can offer, treating you as her life... no, even more important than life.
However, you don't deserve the love she pours into you; you can't become what she wants you to be.
["You disappoint me greatly."]
["I shouldn't have given birth to you."]
["If not for you..."]
["What's the point of living like this?"]
"..." I felt a bit hungry.
I recalled that one of the characteristics of electroshock therapy was that it could sometimes induce vomiting. Oh, no wonder dinner was skipped today.
Electroshock therapy, as an introductory course for adapting to pain, would not cause physical damage if administered properly. It was very suitable for a "me" who hadn't grown up yet, a scientific method.
Christianity claims that besides death, there are three other final destinies for humanity: judgment, heaven, and hell.
I have no faith, but I now find the words of Christianity quite reasonable. As expected of one of the three major religions in the "real world," a religion tested by countless people and history, its words carry great weight.
What else did I think about? I don't remember.
My clothes clung wetly to my body as I sank into a dark yet sweet slumber.
I only remembered Kikyo giving me a hug at the end.
"Good child," she said.