I had never seen Kikyo so furious before.
Normally, even though she often complained that I preferred the whistle Shiver gave me over any clothes or toys she bought me, she would always make me take off the whistle before her torture or special training sessions, just in case it got damaged.
But today, she didn't. She was hysterical and no longer cared about anything else, even abandoning her usual principle of not hitting the face.
*Cling—*
The thin chain of the whistle was broken by the whip, falling onto the stone floor with a crisp sound.
"Mors!" she gritted her teeth, swinging the whip down heavily, leaving deep bloody marks. Hatred laced her voice, "...How could you!!"
In the past, I might have been beaten by her today to the point of begging for mercy. But I had, after all, undergone some training. The pain in my body couldn't reach my numb heart, and I even felt a strange sense of pleasure, as if the physical pain could shield my soul from suffering.
Which is deeper, mental pain or physical pain? Different occasions, different people, all have different answers.
"What is wrong with you?!!!" Her whip grazed my cheek, and my mouth filled with the salty tang of blood.
I hated this sense of reality.
"Why? Why are you looking at me like that?!" She lifted my chin with the whip, "Mors, you already know the meaning of death, so why do you still want to die?"
The meaning of death. Yes, I had known the meaning of death from a very early age, even before I understood the meaning of life. I had also pondered countless times how to die, even more than planning my life goals.
Because... I was stupid, always disappointing "her." When she was furious, she would tell me to die.
["How did you score like this? You might as well be dead!"]
I didn't zone out in class, I finished my homework on time, and I did the exercises in the reference books. I didn't know why I did poorly. I thought my answers were correct. Did I not want to score higher? I didn't know.
["How can you not even do this?! Put it down. Did you hear me? Put it down!"]
I hadn't done this before, and I didn't know.
["I don't want to deal with you anymore, do whatever you want."]
I had made a mistake again.
It was like choosing from uncertain multiple-choice questions; no matter how much I thought it through, I always picked the wrong one. I had also made many wrong choices in life, ultimately achieving nothing.
"We all love you, and yet you want to die?! Have you considered our feelings?!!!" Kikyo raised her whip again.
Love?
Perhaps.
But "love" and "wanting to die" are not contradictory. "She" said "she" would never abandon me, and if I wished, we could die together.
["It would be better if you died with me."]
["You should die with me."]
["Die with me."]
I knew "her" pain. "Her" mother's boundless doting on her son, to the point of not letting him leave the house, had caused her son to become erratic, talk to thin air, and eventually become mentally ill. Seeing that her hope for old-age support was gone, "her" mother intensified her demands on "her." If she didn't comply, she would stir up trouble by any means necessary. "She" thought marriage would lead "her" away from suffering and grant "her" happiness she had never experienced, but "she" was too naive, and marriage also betrayed "her."
"She" only had me left. "She" could only endlessly recount "her" pain to me, letting me chew on it daily.
Compared to "her" pain, my own mediocre suffering was utterly insignificant. I had to chew on my own pain alone.
["Is it meaningful to live in a daze?"]
["Why are you so useless?"]
["You are my retribution."]
"She" was right about everything. I had nothing to say, so I remained silent.
"Answer me, Mors!!!!!!!!!!" Kikyo swung the whip down.
Yes, you are also right. I have nothing to say, so I remain silent.
It seemed I was born with original sin, only causing endless disappointment and pain to anyone who became my mother. To eliminate me and all our misfortunes, I thought for a very, very long time before coming up with a correct answer.
["Don't I love you? I wish I could dig out my heart and show it to you!"]
"Mors, you are my child, Mom... doesn't want to lose you!" Kikyo dropped the whip and cupped my cheeks, "Do you understand? Can you understand?!!!!!"
I could understand.
Here, I will set a goal again, just as I wrote the answer in the "real world," until I can no longer persevere.
Money, that's all I can think of.
Money is the correct answer given by society to most people, and it is also the correct answer to my life. Ninety-nine percent of our troubles, our fears, our pain, our despair, are caused by poverty. Poverty is a quagmire that is difficult to escape. With my strength, even if my hands are covered in mud from the bank and my fingers are black, I will never be able to reach the shore.
With money, I wouldn't have to live in a cramped rental, worrying about rent increases or being kicked out by the landlord.
With money, I wouldn't have to constantly read people's expressions and do repetitive work that might be undone the next day.
With money, I could leave this傷心地 (sad place), leave all the annoying people, and go anywhere I wanted freely.
With money, life would offer countless choices, countless new beginnings, and I wouldn't have to fear failure anymore.
In the "real world," I left over two hundred thousand in savings. In a seventh or eighth-tier town, that would probably last for a long time. I originally wanted to save more, my goal was one million, but my ability was insufficient, I'm sorry, and I really couldn't persevere any longer.
Here, how much money should I leave as my limited compensation? Well, although the Zoldyck family is not short of money, they are essentially businessmen and would not refuse more wealth.
According to the original work's setting, their prices are extremely high, with the price for killing one person being one billion Jenny.
Calculated this way, the magnitude of their wealth can no longer be measured in billions; it must be measured in "trillions," perhaps even far more. This greatly exceeds my original concept of money.
Ordinary amounts of money would not be considered compensation; for them, it would be an insult.
The effort and money they invest in raising a descendant are not easily quantifiable.
I can only find another way, another equivalent way.
"Mom." My hands were cuffed, so I apologized to Kikyo with lip-reading, "I'm sorry, I've thought it through, it was my fault."
"Ah, ah..." Kikyo choked up, not caring that my blood-soaked body would dirty the fabric of her expensive kimono, and hugged me tightly, "You finally understand Mom! Mors, I knew you were a good child!"
I've decided. I will work for them. This is the only thing I, as a corporate slave, can do.
When I grow up and am able to work, I will kill nine hundred and ninety-nine mission targets for them as compensation for raising me.
As for whether I can achieve this goal, I won't force myself. Anyway, I've always been a failure, so one more time won't matter.
I just need a reason, an excuse to keep going, and that's enough.
...That's enough.